Casanova

It's been more than a year since I wrote here, things had been good, things have been bad. Many things happened. I left Standard Chartered Singapore on a high for American Express Malaysia, and I'm about to leave Malaysia for New Zealand and United States as my final stop in roughly 30 days time. I must say, I've strike big in my career so far to alleviate my family which went bankrupt 5 years ago from poverty. However, the same cannot be said to my relationship journey.

In Singapore, I met this girl. She's my close friend who I've known for more than 10 years. She got herself a job in Singapore and we started meeting up often for more than a year. The outings were not official dates though, but I enjoyed her accompany a lot and we shared many moments together. We depended on each other and motivated one another all the time. The moment she calls, I'll be there for her.

Since my family's business went bust, I've never set my sight on any women apart from graduating from my studies and rocket sky high in my career to make up for the mess that my dad convened. Now that I'm leaving, and I have too much to tell. I never thought about a possible relationship much until I left Singapore 7 months ago. I'm afraid I might regret for being cockless. Still, I'm not sure how she feels about me. Maybe a decade's friendship with her blurred the vision and my judgement about her feelings.

I don't know, perhaps I should say something important to her before I go, maybe not. Current predicament? Total disaster, as I've been swayed away from my focus on what I originally set for myself. For what I know is, I cannot give her what other men have to offer; romance and security. I'm the lone ranger who everyone deems me to be. No doubt, she deserves hundred times better than what I have and who I am. I want the best for her, nothing else.

This is crazy, I know I'm in love. My self confidence is at an all time low. I'm trying my best not to text or call her to drive away this feeling. It just gets worse and suck big time. Well, by default I know what I have to say before I leave. I'll be away for maybe 6 months, 1 year or 2 years, I don't know. Somehow, I hope I'll be given a chance someday when I do really return to settle down for a stable life.

You know what? Casanova's life had been so colorful with his documentary of his Grande Tour in Europe as a bachelor seeking a fortune on the continent. But the truth is, it's God darn difficult to be as cool as he was, because I'm living Casanova.

In a nutshell, I hope after confiding my feelings here, I'll grow a new pair of balls to produce more testosterone in me, and hopefully I don't rot alone and die like Casanova did.

End.