Casanova

It's been more than a year since I wrote here, things had been good, things have been bad. Many things happened. I left Standard Chartered Singapore on a high for American Express Malaysia, and I'm about to leave Malaysia for New Zealand and United States as my final stop in roughly 30 days time. I must say, I've strike big in my career so far to alleviate my family which went bankrupt 5 years ago from poverty. However, the same cannot be said to my relationship journey.

In Singapore, I met this girl. She's my close friend who I've known for more than 10 years. She got herself a job in Singapore and we started meeting up often for more than a year. The outings were not official dates though, but I enjoyed her accompany a lot and we shared many moments together. We depended on each other and motivated one another all the time. The moment she calls, I'll be there for her.

Since my family's business went bust, I've never set my sight on any women apart from graduating from my studies and rocket sky high in my career to make up for the mess that my dad convened. Now that I'm leaving, and I have too much to tell. I never thought about a possible relationship much until I left Singapore 7 months ago. I'm afraid I might regret for being cockless. Still, I'm not sure how she feels about me. Maybe a decade's friendship with her blurred the vision and my judgement about her feelings.

I don't know, perhaps I should say something important to her before I go, maybe not. Current predicament? Total disaster, as I've been swayed away from my focus on what I originally set for myself. For what I know is, I cannot give her what other men have to offer; romance and security. I'm the lone ranger who everyone deems me to be. No doubt, she deserves hundred times better than what I have and who I am. I want the best for her, nothing else.

This is crazy, I know I'm in love. My self confidence is at an all time low. I'm trying my best not to text or call her to drive away this feeling. It just gets worse and suck big time. Well, by default I know what I have to say before I leave. I'll be away for maybe 6 months, 1 year or 2 years, I don't know. Somehow, I hope I'll be given a chance someday when I do really return to settle down for a stable life.

You know what? Casanova's life had been so colorful with his documentary of his Grande Tour in Europe as a bachelor seeking a fortune on the continent. But the truth is, it's God darn difficult to be as cool as he was, because I'm living Casanova.

In a nutshell, I hope after confiding my feelings here, I'll grow a new pair of balls to produce more testosterone in me, and hopefully I don't rot alone and die like Casanova did.

End.

Overestimation

Facebook

Ok, I thought I knew this good friend of mine well. Perhaps, I was wrong. Here goes the story. He logged into his facebook account with my laptop. He left for school without logging out soon after. So, I posted some silly stuffs with his facebook profile. Subsequently, he got so pissed off. Alright, I was wrong. I used to have a bunch of friends who did this sort of stuff to each other. But the same joke can't really gel well with everyone. Typically to this good friend of mine. No doubt, this good friend of mine didn't really sit well with the silly jokes. Invading his privacy was his point. Well, he was right. Maybe being childish at the age of 22 makes people feels sick though. I overestimated his tolerance over jokes and silly acts. I shall be more cautious than ever in the future. Some people really have no tolerance over silly acts involving image rights. Lesson to learn here, different people, different social circle, different set of communication protocols. Anyway, I still love him. After all, we saved each other's asses from death in Sungai Pahang some time ago.

Conclusion, I was wrong, my bad.

Nilco Syrup

The "Fall Asleep" Drug

Lately,

Health has never been good.

It's week 6 of school now,

and I haven't really enjoyed a good game of football.

The body's rusty.

Medicines and rests may be the alternative solutions,

but for how long this deterioration would last?

These drugs,

I love them so much.

They make me feel high,

feel numb,

feel sleepy.

The cost?

I'm so vulnerable to these negative repercussions.

They're the catalyst of my jiwang stature now ...

The onus of responsibility lies in me.

Very often,

I misuse Nilco syrup,

as a method to fall asleep.

Under various circumstances,

I'm deprived of my good night's sleep,

for a consecutive run of 6 week .....

I want my life back ...

Total Failure

Failure

I'm tired and exhausted. It has been six months since I received my pocket money from my parents. When I asked, they refrained. I attempted the same question multiple times, but to no avail. In every sense as a student, I shall be provided the money. That's my right. I didn't mind for the fact that I wasn't paid for the first 5 months as I was doing my industrial training, generating sufficient money to pay for my rents, school fees, and pocket money. Surprisingly, I contributed the family a few thousand bucks as well. So, now I'm on my course for the final days in month six, and I was told that financially, they're not able to provide me the money for food. This is bad .real bad.

At times, I'm selfish. My dad is a bankrupt, my mum is the sole-breadwinner of my family. I felt sorry, but I felt worse for myself. I didn't have a choice. I didn't ask to be born into this family. Perhaps, I did something awfully wrong in my past life. Or else, I don't deserve this. Knowing the fact that the current predicament of my family has been a long drawn affair for years, I chose not to understand their difficulties occasionally. I love my family, and I know they love me as well. But the love is often obstructed by money matter, causing inferno and catastrophe in the house from time to time. The love is there, but I just can't feel it anymore.

From the common point of view of the society, I may be deemed as the wrong party, being ignorant and stubborn. A grown up boy who doesn't understand life, what's the worth of me living in this world? From my point of view, the family is a total failure, spiritually and financially  For the first time, I feel so unsecured. I worked as a contract staff in a bank for five month, but they assumed five years. Worst of all, they expect me to have saved sufficient bucks to start school. Mistakenly, they perceived me for overspending on unnecessary luxuries in life. But even so, wasn't I entitled to do so in order to compensate myself after a lengthy spell in the bank? They should count themselves lucky as I lightened up their burden by not asking money from them. But think of it, I'm only a student who works contract and give his parents the money he earns every month. So how on Earth is he going to have the quids to start school? This makes feel so tired to shoulder the burden of their dependency on me.

They might have did their best, but their best was just not good enough. I did my best, but my best was just not good enough either. I understand, but I choose not to understand. The same goes to them as well. My advice is, please make sure you have the money before you get married and have children. Your child doesn't deserve this, he/she doesn't have a choice, but you DO. Most importantly, you must be financially healthy and maintaining it for the rest of your life is a mandatory requirement. I have my rights as a student. I will do everything possible within my capability to resolve this in the very near future.

But for now, there's only a phrase to describe my family - Total Failure.

Smile

Wonder Smile

In a gloomy afternoon,

I sat myself in a kopitiam.

From a distance,

I saw an angel,

she smiled at me ....

and she was with another man.

Most of all,

she's beautiful ...

She caught my eyes,

her smile was sweet.

I only dared to have a glimpse at her,

and I braved myself for the next 5 minutes.

My balls were cold.

Adrenaline level was all time high.

Never ever before,

I felt so appreciated,

appreciated with a simple smile.

As far as I'm concerned,

I'm passive and pessimistic.

Low self esteem, low confidence in myself.

She triggered the switch in me,

and sparked me up.

The moment lasted for a few minutes,

and I don't think I'll see her again.

I'm glad to have shared the moment with her,

moments which may have last for some time.

No one has ever take an initiative to smile at me,

as for a dumb boy like me, I tried multiple times but to no avail.

Perhaps women of my age are filled with egoism,

you can only expect a first smile from them,

given that you're rich or handsome.

This time around,

I really felt appreciated as a human.

Such wonder a simple smile can do to us,

what it can do to me ...

A smile,

totally magic !

Teenagers

Tunku Abdul Rahman - 31st Aug 1957

First of all, Merdeka! Well, the nation must be busy celebrating countdowns and travelling to countdown hot spots as the highway tolls were free of charge! Anyway, some were truly patriotic. However, my observation told me that the majority of them are just joining the fun for nothing.

Youngsters these days don't really know the true meaning of independence day though. My brother was one of them. Before the eve, he went to Genting Highland for a countdown session with his bunch of friends. While I was fetching him, Hitz.fm happened to air the tune of "Tanggal 31" which is one of our many Independence theme song. Within a fraction of a second, he tuned to Fly.fm as he felt sick listening to it. So, wow ..... countdown huh? What a "patriotic" fella. In fact, I was told to stop by 7-Eleven so that he could get a carton of Carlsberg as beers which are sold at the peak of Genting Highland are rather pricey.

Judging from the phenomenon above, I can't help but feel that these youngsters classified independence day as a reason to have some fun as parents would subsequently grant them freedom which they desire so desperately. As for me, I took time out for a futsal session with my friends. Perhaps, I guess I'm too old for these kinda hassles and tussles of countdown stuffs.

Sheer patriotism among teenagers? From my point of view, it has been fading since the generation before mine. Not only independence day, but any other public occasion would be a reason to con parents for freedom. In other words, youngsters are only interested in alcohol, tobacco and ego nowadays.

Long way to go, Malaysia. For the time being, I shall pause. Thus once again, Happy 53rd birthday Malaysia,

Internship

Team

Time flies. My industrial training will come to an end in a month's time. No doubt, I've learnt quite a number of lessons in my workplace. Apparently, I was summoned by my boss for a short meeting. Guess what, it turned out to be weakness pin-pointing session. He was smart by starting out with my strengths, but later lambasted my weaknesses in a terribly nice and wise way. The nouns and verbs he used were absolutely metophor.

The meeting lasted for about half an hour, of which the conversation was dominated by him. I was quite disappointed with the feedback as I was branded "the solo player", I don't play as a team, I play for myself, I work for myself. In other words, I work for myself instead of working and benefiting the organization as a whole. I put too much importance to only myself. I was such a bastard. My performance was top notch, but I sacrificed others.

I'm an avid football fan, a footballer for a club in my university, and of course, I have a football mentality. I applied the value which I've managed to harvest from the football field to school activities, but it was a shame that I didn't really manage to do that quite well in a working environment. Perhaps, there are too much at stake.

A lesson to learn, do not do things for your own benefit. Benefit the stakeholders as a whole, because everyone has a stake in a team. Star players don't win us game, only teams do.